It took me a while to figure out life during the past couple of weeks. I finally did now, so it might be a good idea to meditate upon those memories.

I decided to acquire a job in the middle of May. The main reason why I finally decided was that I found myself in a bit of a financial pickle situation. I needed money. I had procrastinated to get a job, not because I did not want to, but because I did not have to. It just never occurred to me that finding a job was that big of an emergency. Until it did. It was never that I did not have the skillset required to get a decent job. I knew I did, but I never imagined myself to ever be ready for it.

The decision was made so, and things went on the way as they would. I just did not expect they would go on the way so quickly and smoothly. Two weeks later, at the end of may, I was offered a job at a test prep center back at home. As it turns out, there were position vacancies (I assume quite a bit considering how smooth everything went for me) at the test prep center. I just happened to be the one to fill it in. Don't get me wrong, I was more than glad that this could ever happen. It meant that I could trade my skillset for potential financial independence, and it also meant getting to know a bit more about what was going on in the outside world. The thing is, you see, I just did not see what more was about to come.

I moved into the office at the beginning of June. To be honest, I liked almost everything about the job, which is to teach English and help people with their TOEFL exams. I enjoyed learning English as a student. I enjoyed teaching (or at least I thought I did), and I enjoyed helping people in general. The people here was nice. The work culture and values were something that I really identified with. It was pretty well paid, considering my current status. What else could go wrong?

Well, this. The second day I arrived at the office, I was invited to a weekly meeting where teachers would present lessons they prepared in front of other teachers. Basically this was a meeting organized twice a week to make sure teachers have their lessons ready for future classes and also an opportunity for teachers to learn by observing others and through suggestions. My supervisor told me that it was all going to be a chill meeting where everyone share their thoughts and probably have some laughs. Until it wasn't. Turned out (and I was told this later the next week) that the head manager (let's just call her that, because I am still relatively new to this position and can't really figure out the relations and differences of those complex administrators) probably was having a bad day, AND that some teachers were not fully prepared when they showed up to the meeting. From what I could see back then as a newly arrived teacher, it was A DISASTER. Some of the teachers were doing a great job from what I understood, but the manager was still being super critical of every single detailed mistake that the teachers made, in a harsh tone as well. And I got super confused. It was not even that bad. What was there to ever be critical about？

Looking at that meeting now, I think I finally understand what was happening that day. My supervisors explained later to me that there were a couple of things that went on during that meeting: 1) All those criticizing was based upon a sense of love, trust and faith. She believed that those teachers up there could do so much better and that those words contained also constructive and helpful advice. She wanted the teachers to grow and thrive more than anything. And pointing out opportunities for growth was only the first step. 2) The teachers were indeed pretty ill-prepared and that anyone with a bit of teaching experience could tell. I couldn't really tell because I still haven't prepared for lessons yet. 3) The head manager was also just a really nice person in general, which is very true indeed when I later run into her in the office a couple of days later.

The thing is, first impressions shape beliefs. And my belief back then about working at this test prep center was mostly shaped by the first impressions I got during my first week at the office, which to me was not a positive first impression, due to the mindset I have acquired through my personal experience.

I had believed two things that are very untrue and unhealthy in hindsight: 1) I can do it all at once, whatever "it" is. 2) I am either going to sink or swim here. I am either going to be the best at whatever I do, or I fail.

(In fact, writing this down now made me realize that it was very likely never the meeting that imposed these unhealthy beliefs into me. They were probably all there all along and somehow triggered by that one particular event.)

Beliefs drive behaviors. And I did not deliver. I struggled with preparing for lessons despite the comfort from my supervisors. Two weeks passed. Those that have came in office the same time as me moved on to prepare a different course while I am still stuck at Unit 1. Now, wouldn't I know that it was unhealthy to compare my results to others? Yes, I would. Wouldn't I know that it would be a good idea to ask for help when I get stuck at a certain point? Yes, I would. Wouldn't I know that it is unhealthy to believe in those un-truths? Yes, I would. In fact, if you ask me now, I would probably think the same thing: that it was irrational and ridiculous to not allow myself to be a new teacher who just started working, that I was being cruel to myself, and I was not permitting myself to be human.

It would be easy to say all that, to be critical of the self that is being critical of oneself. But it never leads to anything, especially when things get tough. There is a condition on which the belief "critical = helpful" becomes true: whoever is being criticized needs to BELIEVE that the criticizing is helpful, and can discern the helpful advice from the unhelpful soul-crushing harshness. As Carol Dweck summarizes it, they need to "understand that their talents and abilities can be developed through effort, good teaching and persistence." She calls this "The Growth Mindset".

Believing that one can grow from being criticized requires practice and constant reminding. Things can get tough, but it is also comforting to know that the tough that I am going through is worthwhile and that it paves a path, my own path, towards a place that only I can get to. In the meantime, I allow myself to be, in these mean times.